“Every Holiday Is A Disaster” with Bordeauxxx

Bordeauxxx are ace! If you checked out our awesome compilation of this year’s best unsigned music (if you missed it here’s a link), you’ll already be familiar with the gang-chants-and-glockenspiel glory of Every Holiday Is A Disaster, but if not, here it is again in video form:

Great, right? You can get this track and the similarly excellent “Mother’s Ruin” EP over at Bandcamp, but before you go running off to do that, let’s get on with what this is all building up to: today’s door of the advent calendar with Bordeauxxx! And since the band happen to have a song called Every Holiday Is A Disaster and Christmas is called “The Holidays” by some (American) people, I unimaginatively asked the band’s members to write about their most disastrous “Holidays” (Christmases). The resulting tales of wintry woe are after the jump.

Nat: I figured out that Father Christmas wasn’t real when I got a Playmobil fire engine for christmas, when I had quite specifically asked for a Fisher Price one, reasoning that if FC was real he would’ve given me what I bloody well asked for! That’s quite a horrifically spoilt way of learning the truth about a guy who is supposed to represent love and kindness and all that stuff.

Martin: I’ve already publicly poured my heart out about the tragic day that my own mother ruined Christmas for me, and I wouldn’t want to recycle material like a bad comedian so I think my other appropriate story is a present I got my mum. She hates dogs, and by that, I mean ‘is terrified of…’. I can’t pretend I didn’t know, either, it wasn’t exactly a secret. Though for some reason when I was about 10, I got her this ugly statue of - yeah you guessed it - a dog. What makes this story even more sad is that it still proudly stands, 10 or so years later, in full view of anyone and everyone. I don’t know why I ever thought it was a good idea and my ma has done a great job of pretending she loves it for so many years. It’s sort of become a running joke… Wouldn’t call it a disaster but still totally CRINGE!!! 

Amy: I suppose I’ll stick to the Christmas stories… About ten or so years ago, the whole family were sat at the table tucking into our Christmas dinner, when halfway through the meal my younger cousin stands up, lets an extremely rude loud noise pass from his bum, says “pardon me”, and returns to his seat. Although pretty disgusting, it was quite jokes. Not exactly disastrous but my Christmas’ are always quite tame!

Jon: My Christmases are quite tame too, so this story revolves around someone I know. A friend of mine was rushed to hospital on a christmas day a couple of years ago since, having spent all day playing with his younger cousin and all of the younger cousin’s toys, he felt a sudden pain in his gentleman parts. It turns out that during their energetic play session he had managed to get his testicles tied in a knot inside his ballbag. Hilariously, he was transported to hospital whilst wearing a full body santa suit. What’s my part in this story I hear you ask? Well I made at least 3 months of jokes about whether he had a surprise in his sack for next year. Yes that’s right readers.  I am a comedy genius.

Charlie: There’s a really embarrassing photo of me on Christmas morning playing GT:3 on my brand new steering wheel, that was a good present. Unfortunately this willingness for driving never blossomed, which leads me to the story of how I crashed my girlfriends car on holiday. I’d never driven before at the age of almost 20, and her family home is in the countryside with a front drive that was an easy place to give the Ford Fiesta a whirl. Let’s just say I was a bit cocky and decided to reverse it …into a fence. Not the best first impression but her Mum was alright with it.  It only had a little scratch on the side. This happened in April so it’s not really an xmas story but it’s a pretty good one! 

You can catch Bordeauxxx on their Christmas tour on the dates below. The “Better Weather” lineup also features AGCS favourites teamABC and Pandas And People, and IT’S FREE, so if you live ANYWHERE near Sheffield you should definitely go to that one!

19th - The Whatever’s Indiepop Xmas party at The Fox and Newt, Leeds

20th - Better Weather’s 5 Bands of Christmas at West Street Live, Sheffield

 21st - Death 2 Disco Christmas Party at Notting Hill Arts Club, London